


Re-finding Christmas

by gurajiorasu



Category: Arashi (Band)
Genre: Fluff, Light Angst, M/M, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-23
Updated: 2014-12-23
Packaged: 2018-03-03 01:31:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2833226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gurajiorasu/pseuds/gurajiorasu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I laugh. It sounds like a joke. A dark, dark joke, “You know it’s not Christmas anymore for me since the day I met you.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Re-finding Christmas

With a short ‘happy birthday’ and obligatory ‘merry Christmas’, those jerks left us - me and Masaki - alone in the green room. I know they did it on purpose, because they did it every year, and I don’t know if I’m grateful or damned for it.

I don’t dare to look up to the birthday man. It’s already awkward again and I curse everything for it. It was not like this years ago. It used to be all fun between us; with laughter and pranks and _love_.

Yeah, _love_.

The word has never slipped through our lips explicitly but back then, we just knew it. He knew I love him and I _believed_ that he loves me, and it _was_ enough.

But time is a cruel thing, isn’t it? Along the years, many things happened. Work happened. Fame happened. Business happened.  
We unconsciously built a gap between us and somewhere in the peak of our careers, I don’t know it anymore; I don’t know if he still loves me anymore.

Awkwardness arose. I couldn’t handle the doubt, the uncertainty, and the insecurity.  
In the end, because I’m a total coward and a massive jerk, _girl_ friend happened.

It didn’t last, of course, but the awkwardness did. If anything, it evolved into a monster that consumed the tiny bit of _us_ that is left - whatever _us_ was.

My body tenses up on its own accord when I hear Masaki clearing his throat. He’s waiting for me to make a move, I notice.

I rack my brain. I _need_ to do something, it’s his birthday, after all. I thought about roses and gifts earlier, but I couldn’t bring myself to actually give them to him because I don’t know if it’s appropriate. I wanted to do something special for him, but then I don’t know if I even have the right to.

“Nino..,” he calls out.

My heart falls to my feet. Probably, his patience is running out.

“Nino, where are you going tonight?” he asks.

“Home. Why?” I don’t know why it comes out like I’m annoyed.

Masaki smiles and I notice how I _hate_ that smile. He’s _always_ smiling and it makes it hard to read him.

“No appointment to a Christmas party or something?”

I laugh. It sounds like a joke. A dark, dark joke, “You know it’s not Christmas anymore for me since the day I met you.”

He smiles. It’s a little bit different now, though. It has a slight bitterness on it and it’s like he’s smiling to himself rather than smiling to me.

“I took away Christmas from you, ne?”

Actually, he did. His presence is _that_ significant for me, I wonder if he notices it.

“You know, it’s never really Christmas for me either,” he says and I, finally, look up at him. He inhales and exhales, patting his thighs as he stands up and turns back into the cheerful him. He grins, playfully but sincerely, “Since you have nowhere to go, why don’t we experience Christmas tonight?”

The soft gleam in his eyes gets me once again. Before I know it, I already nodded.

*******

“Where are we going?” I ask. He walks in front of me, emitting the happy ambiance that is just _him_.

“Home. It’s been a while since the last time we walk home together, ne?”

I swallow at the words ‘a while’. It was an understatement, really. ‘A gazillion years’ would be more like it.  
I chuckle awkwardly, “Then what’s with experiencing Christmas that you said earlier, hm?”

“We’re going home with _our_ train. That means, we’re going to walk down the road that is filled with all things that is Christmas!” he leaps to face me, then resumes his walk.

I’m torn between blushing and throwing terrified look. _Our_ sounds nice, but the rest of it sounds horrifying.  
“Through all the people? Are you crazy?!”

Masaki nods happily and keeps walking.

“No, Masaki. It’s ridiculous. We won’t be able to survive walking on the crowded road at peak season like this. We’ll make a mess once we’re recognized,” I stopped my steps even though I don’t want to.

Masaki turns to face me and takes my hand, pulling me to resume my walking, “We won’t be recognized because we’re going to wear-,” he opens a door and reveals a changing room with two sets of Santa Claus’ outfit displayed at the center, “-this.”

I gape. If I forgot how full of surprise this man could be, now I remember. I chuckle in amusement, “Please tell me you’re kidding.”

“No, I’m not,” he says with a proud face, “I’ve borrowed them from the staff. So, please, move and get yourself into the suit.”

I wonder for how long he has planned all this.

*******

I fidget in the slightly oversized outfit. It’s pretty comfortable, actually, I’m just not sure about all of this stunt.

On the other hand, Masaki is confident as always. He’s hyper. He’s beaming. He clapped his hands the moment I came out wearing the ridiculous outfit earlier, and I suppressed the urge to change back to my personal clothes.

I was reluctant when he said we will be really walking down the road without using proper protocol, but the moment he grabbed my hand and tugged me onwards, I forgot everything.

“Snow! It’s snowing!” he says.

I roll my eyes, “It’s been snowing since a while.”

Masaki blushes for some reasons I don’t know what. He chuckles and spreads his arms, feeling the snow falls to the little of his bare skin, “It’s cold. But it’s nice.”

I nod. Actually, all I can feel is Masaki’s hand on mine and it’s nowhere near cold. It’s warm like I remember it always was.

“Gloves,” he mutters behind his fake mustache and beard.

“Hm?” I ask, don’t quite catch it at first.

He shakes his head, smiling clumsily. He looks away with a nice shade of pink on his face when he pulls my hand and tucks it inside his pocket. He trudges on, humming Christmas song like a little kid.

And while he does all those, my heart skips a million beats.

“Act natural, Santa Nino,” Masaki whispers and I realize that we have arrived at the main road.

I gulp down, suddenly feel anxious. Masaki squeezes my hand as if he wants to tell me that everything will be alright. Reluctantly, I pull away my hand from his and I look up at him with my worried look.

He smiles.

“It’s okay,” he says. Softly, he pulls me closer to him by my shoulders, “Trust me, it’s okay!”

I decide that it’s best to trust him and I let him guide me to the main road. I wince when the busy road finally surrounds us, do not dare to lift my face up.

“I’ve told you, it’s okay,” Masaki whispers again, his adorable chuckle slips out from his lips.

I look up. He’s right, no one notices us. I look to my right and to my left, there are many other Santas around us, making us just another Santa that no one would spare a second glance.

I turn my head to Masaki with an amused face and Masaki looks back at me with his proud smile.

I look around, bolder this time. It’s been too long since the last time I roamed through the city freely like this. The road is flooded with red, white, and green; it’s so strikingly sparkling but it’s nice, it’s good. It’s merry.  
It’s Christmas.

I take a deep breath, savoring the chilly air that is caressing my nostrils. Pleasant smells of candies, gingerbread, and fireplace make me repeat my action. I start to wonder if it’s the same place that I pass by every day with my car.

“Nino, cake!” a shout makes me turn my head. Masaki is already a little bit further, pointing at a displayed cake which is sold outside the patisserie. His smile is unhidden, even though his fake beard is ridiculously thick.

“You’d have the cream smeared on your beard, old Santa,” I tease and chuckle.

He giggles along but he continues picking his cake nonetheless, carefully choosing a perfect-shaped strawberry to be put on top of it. He ignores the confused look of the shopkeeper and pays for it with the money from his Santa-pocket, waving the little cake towards me like it’s a trophy or something.

We walk forward and he munches his tiny Christmas cake happily.

“Delicious!” he shouts, sparkles of excitement on his eyes.

Then, when I least expect it, he shoves the remaining of his cake to my mouth. Exactly like he would do every time he eats something when we were still-  
fine.

He hasn’t changed even a bit, I realize. And it pains me, the way he remains unchanged but something between us doesn’t. Or maybe _I_ am the one who is changed, I don’t really know.

I open my mouth awkwardly and let the sweetness of the cake overwhelms me. I shift my gaze when I see his knowing look.  
He knows what he’s doing, he did it on purpose. His eyes are like telling me that he got this. He got _us_.

Masaki smiles to my reaction and licks his fingers clean from the creamy mess.

“The last one to get to the station pays!” Masaki shouts with a giggle fit and runs.

I run too, chasing him with a matching complaint, “Oy! Not fair! I hate you, Masaki!”  
But who am I trying to kid? There’s no heat in my words. Just laughter. And happiness.

I bump to him when he stops abruptly. He looks up to a gigantic Christmas tree. His eyes are filled with amazement.

“Sugooooi~ It’s amazing!”

Really, I think _he_ and his expression are more amazing than the Christmas tree.

I move to his side and look up too. We are shoulder to shoulder, under the descending snow. It’s freezing, but I’d rather not complain for I want to be like this longer - with him beside me.

“Ne, Nino, what do you wish for this Christmas?” he asks.

I ponder. Actually, I already know what I wish. I wish that the gap that has been created between us would disappear. I wish that I could get closer to him. I wish that I can be his, once again.  
But of course, I can’t say it out loud. So I laugh and say, “Money.”

He laughs and pushes my shoulder, “You have plenty of that.”

“I do,” I say with a grin and we laugh like maniacs. We resume our walk.

To my delight, race is forgotten. I want this moment to last, anyway. When we enter the station, I chuckle, “We look ridiculous.”

“We _always_ look ridiculous,” he says.

 _Our_ train is about to depart and we chase it like we used to. Masaki grabs my hand and pulls me, trying to get us inside in time.

He succeeds.

It’s already pretty late but thanks to the season, the train is packed with passengers. The space left is barely fit for the both of us. We are facing each other and I am pretty much pressed to Masaki. Masaki reaches for a handle with his right hand and I mimic him using my left.

Then, I notice how our hands are still linked. I don’t know what to do, but I don’t really want to unlink them. In the end, because I am a great loser and a massive coward, I decide to tug my hand free.

But, to my surprise, Masaki doesn’t let my hand go.

“Let it be, would you? My stop is coming in a minute,” he says. His eyes are avoiding me and I see a little bit of hurt there.

My heart thumps. He longs for this, I realize. He longs for this, _too_. Even more than I do, perhaps.

Maybe I was right. Maybe nothing has changed but _me_.

“Uhn,” I nod and shift closer to him. I release my grip to the handle and clutch Masaki’s outfit instead. I step forward, erasing any distance between us and leaning to Masaki.

I swear I can hear his heartbeats. I swear I can hear he gasps softly. I swear I’m going to cry out of overwhelming feelings if I’m not too aware that we’re in public area.

“How’s Christmas?” suddenly, Masaki asks.

“Great,” I answer.

“It’s amazing, ne? It’s always there but we’ve never really seen it. We’re too focused to something else that we missed it. Even though it’s _always_ there,” I feel Masaki’s lips landed on the top of my head before he continues with a much softer voice, “Something happened, namely my birthday, and you think Christmas will never be Christmas anymore. But no, it’s _always_ there.”

 _It’s always there_ , his voice resounds in my head.

The door is opened and Masaki releases me. He puts my hand back to the grip and smiles, “See you, Nino.”

 _It’s always there_ , his voice still resounds in my head.

A rush of people get out of the train and another rush of people get in to the train. Masaki is already outside, waving at me and, with a set of eyes that is gloomier than earlier, turning around to leave.

 _It’s always there_ , his voice rings again and I finally understand it. He’s trying to say that _it’s always there_ ; the thing between me and him. But, just like I overlook Christmas because of his birthday, I overlook it because of my over-thinking self.

It’s a complete realization for me. I’m an idiot, I’m a fool. I jump out the train right before the door is closing again and search for Masaki. I push through the crowd, moving in a hurry because I’m afraid of losing him _again_.

I’m already outside the station in a flash and there, I see him. He’s walking briskly, his Santa hat on his hand. I run and scream, “Masaki!”

He turns his head towards me. Shocked.

And I fall. I fall to the bed of snow like a fool that I am.

“Masaki, wait!” I tried to get up but I step on my oversized outfit and fall again.

Masaki laughs. He runs and offers his hand to me.

I, of course, accept it joyfully.

“You look like the strawberry on _our_ Christmas cake earlier,” his laughter warms me.

“Hm?” I stand up, not releasing his hand even though I’m already on my feet.

“In all-white snow like this, you look like a strawberry on a cake,” he repeats. Then, he adds, “Sweet.”

I hide my blush. I brush the snow from my outfit with one hand.

“Why are you here?” he asks.

“Let me walk you home.”

He looks like he wants to protest but he doesn’t. Instead, he starts to walk again and brushes his thumb across my hand.

Unfortunately, the walk is too short. In a glimpse, we’re already in front of Masaki’s door - the well decorated door.

“Ja,” he says, awkwardly, “We’re here.”

“Uhn,” I nod. I release his hand and step back, once again not sure of what to do.

Masaki fumbles on the keys and finally opens his door. With a smile, he steps inside, “Thanks for walking me home.”

“You’re welcome.”

Silence falls. Both of us stay put like we’re waiting for something, but that something never comes.

“Ja, see you tomorrow?” he says, finally.

“Ah- yes.”

The door is closing and it feels wrong. It’s not how tonight should end.

I forbid myself from letting this go. Years have been wasted because of my moronic way of thinking. Feelings have been tortured because I was so self-centric. Now it’s time for me to redeem myself.

I hold the door and spill it out, “I _still_ love you.”

“Huh?” Masaki’s head emerges from the door and I catch it - I catch him.

I pull him out again and I hold him close. I put my lips on his and I kiss him like I always want to. He is so tensed at first, but then he circles his arms around me and pulls me in for a deeper kiss.

“I still love you too,” he says once we break our kiss for some air, “I _always_ do.”

“I’m sor-”

“No,” he puts his finger on my lips, “You’re okay. No need to apologize. We’re fine.”

I smile. He’s so understanding that I really want to kill myself for making him wait.

He points up to his door frame and giggles, “Kiss under a mistletoe. Our Christmas is perfect.”

 

I look up and giggle along. Then, I caress his cheek and finally, after years and years of overlooking it, I am able to say it,

“Merry Christmas.”

That night, I re-find my Christmas.

That night, I re-find my joy.

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Aiba Masaki's birthday.  
> Based on Nino's Merry Christmas.


End file.
